By Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree, childhood cancer advocate, speaker, and bestselling author of The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You
Cancer sucks for lots of reasons, not the least of which is the length of treatment. “When will life return to normal?” you may wonder. That’s a tricky question. Even when treatment is done, there remain long months or years of follow-up care to make sure the cancer stays away. So the idea of ‘going back to normal’ certainly feels questionable at best. Ridiculous at worst.
But here’s the reality: You and your family will be in cancer treatment and recovery for a long time, so finding ways to make it feel more normal is crucial for your day-to-day existence.
How? By normalizing the abnormal. Let me show you how.
Step One: Establish Boundaries
Once the initial shock and the first phase of treatment are behind you, you face forward and think, “Holy crap, how am I going to get to the finish line?” That’s a big question. It all begins with acceptance and surrender.
- Accept and Surrender
Yes, I know it sounds absurd. Accept Cancer? Surrender and give up? Not quite. Let me explain.
On our journey, everything started to shift for the better when we accepted our circumstances and surrendered to the reality of the situation at hand: our toddler Cecilia had a life-threatening diagnosis of ALL and was facing 3 years of treatment. Bam.
Interestingly, we found that once we stopped rebelling against these facts, we had the bandwidth to find our New Normal. And mental health professionals support this concept: stop rebelling, and your brain has the space to creatively problem-solve. Pretty cool.
“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.”
Michael J. Fox
- Establish boundaries around language
“She doesn’t look sick” was an irritating phrase spoken far too often in front of our daughter. Yes, cancer is scary, but usually, a child with leukemia (as well as some other forms of childhood cancer) is in clinical remission quickly since the initial phases of treatment knock the cancer down, and subsequent years keep it that way (knock wood). Therefore, a cancer patient is not sick; they are in treatment. That’s more than simple semantics; it’s a huge distinction from a mental health perspective.
It’s up to you to make it clear to your medical team, family, and friends how you want them to talk about treatment at appointments, socially, and at school. Why? Because words matter. They can lift us or destroy us in a second, especially when we are vulnerable.
“Children with cancer often look well, even when undergoing intensive treatment, which can be confusing for peers and adults alike. Recognizing that these children are living with a chronic, treatable condition, rather than being ‘sick’ — supports their psychological adjustment and social identity.”
Dr. Lori Wiener, PhD, Pediatric Psychologist, National Cancer Institute
Toolbox Tip:
- If your child hears “You’re sick and weak” often enough, they’ll start to believe it. Countless times at the hospital, we witnessed a child lose their power because of their own parents’ fear and paralysis. Keep your language positive.
- Set Boundaries About Your Needs, Often
Letting friends and family know what you need in terms of support and restating your boundaries will be an ongoing conversation. This can be as simple as reiterating what you don’t want – “no more lasagna” – and what you really need, “please pick up my son from rehearsal every Tuesday”. Be specific and don’t accept stuff because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. You don’t have time for that.
Toolbox Tip:
- Friends and family generally love to help, but tend to be pretty clueless about how to help you. Make what you need crystal clear by sending out a weekly or monthly email (or have a friend do it for you) or by posting on your Facebook or CaringBridge page.
- A full list of what to ask for and how to ask for it can be found in The Cancer Parent’s Handbook, Chapter 6
- Set Boundaries for Get-Togethers
It’s so important for your whole family, especially your child in treatment, to spend time with friends and loved ones whenever possible. That connection matters and can make everyone feel just a bit more normal. But it’s just as important that your people understand how serious it can be if your child catches even a simple cold or fever.
Before you make plans, be sure your friends and family know they need to tell you if anyone in their household is or might be sick. No guilt, just love and caution.
Toolbox Tip
- As you ease back into school, activities, or the occasional playdate, consider creating a text or email template that you can send to everyone involved.. Keep it short but clear: explain why it’s important for others to stay home when they’re sick (hello, low ANC), share quick tips for handwashing or sanitizing during contact time, and gently remind
people not to call your child “sick” to their face. This is a great opportunity to set the tone and boundaries around how others interact with your child.
Step Two: Normalize the Abnormal
It bears repeating: If your child’s cancer treatment is lengthy, and it usually is, finding ways to make this new situation as normal as possible is essential for your mental and physical well being as well as that of your entire family. We are not meant to live in fight-or-flight mode for sustained periods. Medication needs to be taken, shots endured, and a treatment schedule must be followed. Making that as ho-hum as possible helps your child shrug their shoulders and surrender to the routine, versus having daily tantrums.
And if your child is happy, everyone is happy.
- Turn the Nasty into Nice
In order to help your child better handle a scheduled weekly or monthly treatment, involve them in the decision-making process and find ways to make it fun! Here’s a story that might help you craft your own New Normal for your child’s scheduled chemo and radiation days..
At the end of Induction, our oncology nurse asked Cecilia if she wanted to come in for her weekly labs and chemo shots or have her parents learn to do them at home. “At HOME!” she said with a smile. Oh geez…..
Bringing home a load of containers labeled “Biohazard” and being trained to forcefully impale our child with chemo in her thigh was daunting. But with Cecilia’s input (crucial), we created an awesome routine that included tacos and Dragon Tales with dinner, and a sugar-free popsicle for dessert. Cecilia knew the shot had to happen before she could have the popsicle, so when she was ready, she would sit on my lap with the cold spray and ice pack, focus on Dragon Tales, count to three, and do her “whale breath” exhale as my husband, Arne, did the deed.
Insert popsicle.
I swear to you, not a single tear was shed in all those years. Why? Although we had boundaries, we gave her power. She created the rules and the fun, surrounding that weekly, nasty methotrexate poke. In her eyes, that nasty part of treatment had turned into a nice evening to look forward to.
Toolbox Tip:
- Maybe going to the hospital every week for a shot of chemo is stress-reducing! More time away from the hospital was best for me. The key is to be in conversation with your child and intentionally create routines and rituals that serve you both.
- ACCO has an amazing partnership with the Jel Sert company! Jel Sert provides a continuous supply of freezer pops to cancer treatment centers across the nation. https://www.acco.org/jelsert/
- Take a Deep Breath
Another idea to help normalize the abnormal is breathwork. Breathwork is a highly effective tool you can use for routine things like bloodwork or IV insertions as well as more invasive situations. And, it’s highly effective when anxiety hits. It’s okay to be scared! And honoring your child’s feelings is important. And, when you have to do uncomfortable things for months on end, normalizing it by literally taking a deep breath can make a huge difference.
Toolbox Tip:
- The American Institute of Stress says deep breathing gives your brain a boost of oxygen and signals your parasympathetic nervous system to calm down, helping both you and your child feel a bit more Zen in the moment. Consider purchasing a child’s doctor kit so they can practice on themselves.
- Considering ordering ACCO’s free medical kit so they can practice on themselves!
Specific examples for managing pain using breathwork can be found in the Self Care & Resources chapter of The Cancer Parent’s Handbook.
Step Three: Create Daily Traditions to Make the Scary Less Scary
Crying every day before a pill has to be swallowed, or at weekly labs, simply isn’t sustainable for anybody in the family. So, a big part of creating your New Normal is developing traditions surrounding the daily grind of treatment to make it more tolerable and perhaps even a bit fun.
Shots are scary – even for adults! And pills! Swallowing them can be hard for a child. So with your child, identify what scares them the most and find ways to help them make that scary thing less daunting.
- Make the Dreaded Doable
Cecilia was not a fan of her weekly labs. And honestly, the thought of driving to the hospital (45 minutes away) with a cranky kid and her baby sister and waiting for our turn for labs for three freakin’ years did not make me happy either. Cecilia and I put our heads together and
came up with a plan. With permission from our medical team, the dreaded weekly labs ended up becoming a lovely weekly tradition for everyone.
Here’s how we did it:
I found a lab within biking distance from our home, and once a week, I loaded our toddler Madi and Cecilia into the bike trailer with a pile of books and grabbed a much-needed workout around the neighborhood, ending up at the lab. Cecilia and our local phlebotomist got to know each other, and he respected Cecilia’s request to be allowed to sit on Mama’s lap as she practiced her breathing technique, and he slowly said, “One, two, three, GO!”. Then the needle was inserted while baby sister held Cecilia’s other hand. Ceal never cried because she had a sense of control over the situation.
Toolbox Tip:
- Your child can use ACCO’s free Cozy Cat stuffed animal to facilitate role play, letting your child pracitce needle sticks on the stuffed kitty.
- Sweeten the Deal
Afterward, we went out for a treat – bagels for the girls and a latte for me. Heaven. By the time we biked home, the lab results were waiting for me.
Doing weekly labs this way relieved any anxiety Cecilia might have felt going to the hospital for labs and distracted me like crazy until I received her results and exhaled. She was still cancer-free.
Toolbox Tip:
- If taking pills, or the taste of pills, stresses out your child, try fitting them into an empty gel cap that you can get at any pharmacy. These gel caps mask the bitterness and often can fit more than one pill—voila!
The sooner your child finds tools and tricks to manage anxiety like Cecilia did, the sooner you can normalize these weekly procedures, removing the drama and tears from the situation. Use the tips and tricks above to give your child a sense of control. Fears and tantrums will be reduced, or, as was the case for us, eliminated altogether.
Pick one idea and give it a try. You’ll see how creating a sense of calm around your child’s treatment will benefit you and your entire family’s mental health.
Step Four: Creating A New Normal in Your Home
During cancer treatment, a child’s ANC (absolute neutrophil count) is likely to stay low. This is a common side effect of treatment and simply means your child will be more prone to catching infections—something you want to avoid. A simple cold or fever can land you back in the hospital for observation and may even delay your treatment. That’s no fun for anybody.
One of the most effective ways to keep your child—and the rest of the family—healthy is to clean up your environment. Yes, I’m talking about your home. Trust me, it’s empowering to know that you can create a safe space, at least within your four walls. This is something you can control.
Here’s a list to get you started.
- Shoes OFF
Have everyone who enters your house remove their shoes before coming inside. Your shoes are the biggest germ tracker into your home, and keeping germs outside—or at least just inside the front door—protects you and your child from outside germs.
- Wash Up
Establish a hand-washing routine: Insist that everyone in your family and anyone visiting hits the sink and washes up for thirty seconds with a generous amount of soap as soon as they arrive. Sing Happy Birthday once through slowly (no cheating), and you’re done!
- Clean Healthy
As tempting as it is to bleach the crap out of everything, don’t. Every day cleaning products with ammonia or bleach are toxic and can be brutal on your child’s immune system (seriously, Google this). Even worse, these environmental toxins put extra strain on the liver, which is already working overtime to process chemo.
Toolbox Tip:
- House-cleaning products that are eco-friendly are commonly found at Target, large grocery stores, and online. More expensive does not mean better! Find what fits your budget and get cleaning. You can even DIY these products if you have the time.
You’ll find a full list of resources about non-toxic home products of all kinds and how you can clean up your home environment The Cancer Parent’s Handbook.
Step Five: Creating Your Positude—Positive + Attitude
Early on, Cecilia invented the word ‘Positude’ as her way of bringing a positive attitude to the daily crap she had to face during treatment. As you create your New Normal, it’s the perfect time to look for ways to encourage your child, your family, and yourself to find Positude, even on the harder days.
Here’s how:
- Whenever Possible, Keep the Mood Light
If your child is young enough, they likely won’t realize the mortality issues surrounding their care, which is a blessing. Keep it that way by intentionally crafting your new way of life, boundaries, and routines with love and a positive vibe.
- Be Grateful
Focusing on being grateful is a highly effective way to train your mind to see the good that is still in your life, even with a cancer diagnosis.
Try a simple gratitude ritual: At bedtime, you and your child can each list five good things from the day (and they don’t have to be big). Or make it a family dinner tradition with “Roses and Thorns”. Each person shares one “rose” (something good) and one “thorn” (something hard) from their day. It’s a great way to help your family stay connected, be real about the tough stuff, and notice the good that’s still there.
- Keep Play Alive
Do your best to carve out play time – at the park, with friends, or wherever joy happens – while quietly dodging germs and sneezes. We turned hand-sanitizing into a quick, goofy game, so it never slowed Ceal’s sprint to the slide or her giggles with a new friend.
The idea of applying a positive attitude towards life and its impact on healing is well researched. Cecilia’s dinosaurs were the beginning of our New Normal, cementing our Positude, because they gave Cecilia the desire and power to fight by changing her mindset about her experience.
Rather than seeing cancer with fear and herself as a victim, she was hell-bent on kicking cancer’s butt because she had a way to control that part of her world through imagination and play. Friends and family slowly helped her build a menagerie of toy dinosaurs. And Cecilia visualized them fighting for her, acting that out through play as she repeatedly told the story of her dinosaurs destroying her cancer. She became one massively positive warrior.
And thus, our New Normal began. How will you start yours?!
I wrote The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You to be the guide I needed when my daughter was diagnosed. It’s full of real talk, practical tips, and honest support on everything from hospital life and sibling dynamics to asking for help and becoming your child’s best advocate. You’ll find more on this topic—and much more—at my website.
You’ve got this—and you’re not alone.
About the Author
Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree is a speaker, writer, and fierce advocate for parents navigating pediatric cancer. Her bestselling book, The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You, is a no-nonsense survival guide for overwhelmed caregivers. Follow Laura on Instagram @cancerparentshandbook or connect on LinkedIn.
👉 Grab the book: Amazon or at books2read
Currently, Macon is undergoing long-term chemotherapy that will span over two and a half years. He is a playful little boy who loves being outside, playing with his sister, riding toys and laughing with his family. According to his mother, Madeline, “he just completed his first year of leukemia treatment and has handled chemotherapy incredibly well. His weekly blood work continues to show no circulating leukemia cells and his treatment is working as expected. He remains in active treatment and if all goes well, Macon is expected to complete therapy and ring the bell in May 2027.” 
The Experience
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