By Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree, childhood cancer advocate, speaker, and bestselling author of The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You
There is a dragon at the gate who means to do your child harm. Raise the drawbridge. Polish your armor. Sharpen your swords. You will find a way to fight and defeat it. The stakes are too high to do anything less than everything you can. A time will come to take off your armor and breathe again, and you will be the hope for another family.
I wrote that little story during my five-year journey with childhood cancer—my child’s cancer treatment. Cecilia was diagnosed with ALL, acute lymphoblastic leukemia, when she was just three-and-a-half years old. Right now, you are reading this because somebody, your child, or a child you love, has been given a horrific and lengthy diagnosis like Cecilia was given— childhood cancer—and it sucks. My heart goes out to you.
I know you want to fix everything and to understand everything right now – that’s human nature. But if you’ve just been diagnosed, take a deep breath and let me guide you towards a saner way of getting through these first few weeks.
- What You Need to Know Right Now – The Big Picture
As the parent of a newly diagnosed child, you actually do have some time to catch your breath and focus on a few important things. This list was created from a combination of my notes during treatment years and nuggets of wisdom from other warrior parents that I met over the years.
Listen up, I’ve got you.
- Stay centered
Breathe deeply. You are surrounded by really smart oncologists and nurses, and your child will likely be assigned to a well-tested protocol. If there are big decisions to make, they will tell you. 
- Surrender to what is: your child has cancer
This is a biggie. I’m not saying give up—but surrender. There is a huge difference. When you can accept what is happening, you can move forward. Denial, on the other hand, is a huge roadblock. In the beginning, you’ll need to breathe a lot and surrender again and again.
- Keep it simple
Come up with a simple, age-appropriate, and non-terrifying way to explain what’s going on to your child. For our almost-four-year-old, we said, “You know how you have not been feeling so great? We found out the problem (name it)! And you are going to get help now.”
- Document everything
You are in crisis mode, so don’t rely on your memory to help you right now. Bring a notebook or laptop and/or record all meetings with your medical team. If possible, bring your spouse, partner, or friend to these meetings so you have help hearing and absorbing information.
Toolbox Tip:
- While tempting, limit your time on Chat GPT or doomscrolling websites about childhood cancer. There are some great resources out there, and some unfiltered, unchecked ones as well that will just freak you out more than you already are freaked out.
- Consider joining a parent-run Facebook group for your child’s cancer diagnosis. These groups can be a lifeline for asking questions and gathering resources. Like the tip above, limit your time with these groups as they can be equal parts helpful and scary as everything is shared – the highs and the lows.
- What You Need to Know Right Now – Friends, Family, School, and Work
One of the most important things to remember throughout treatment is that you don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t. Friends, family, coworkers, teachers, and coaches will want to know how to support you and your family.
Here’s your guide to help them help you and your family:
- Updates
Ask one good friend or family member (who you trust is a good communicator) to text or email those nearest and dearest with the diagnosis details and updates, as well as ways that people can help you logistically or financially.
- Inform teachers
Have that same friend or family member call all your children’s schools and fill them in. Your kids will not be doing much homework this week, maybe not the next. Eventually, you’ll come up with a schedule for your school-aged kids who are in treatment and their siblings. For now, homework doesn’t matter (And I say this as a veteran teacher!).
- Accept help from friends and family
Whether it’s someone to sit with your child so you can put your face in the sun and cry, financial help, food, a drop-off of clean clothing, or a walk, you need the help. Take it. In The Cancer Parent’s Handbook, I teach you how to make all the offers of help work for you and your family, and if you are not getting those offers, how to ask for them.
- Explore networks of help
If family and friends are not nearby, talk to your child’s social worker and Child Life Services department at the hospital to see what their volunteers can help you with at home or while you are inpatient. If you are part of a faith community, let the office know what’s up, asap, and volunteers will be there to support you.
- Contact HR
If employed, call HR and let them know what’s happening. Find out your rights and their policies around taking extended time off.
Toolbox Tip:
- Knowing how to ask for help and what to ask for is an entire chapter in The Cancer Parent’s Handbook because it’s SO important! Feeling stuck? Make a short list on Sunday nights with your partner and include all the stuff you have to do (pick up cat litter) and a few things you want (a massage). Give that list to your friends or co-workers and watch what happens.
- Remember, people generally want to help; you just need to help them help you.
- What You Need to Know Right Now – The Medical Stuff
This part can be intimidating. But it’s okay not to understand everything on day one. For now, ask questions. Ask again. Step out of the room. Cry in the hallway. Learn to guide your child through the painful things, and yourself, too.
Now is when you begin to become a fierce, informed, and intuitive advocate.
- Never be afraid to ask questions. Ask your doctor to repeat themselves as often as necessary.
At least once a day, your oncologist will come by to update you and chat. Step out of the room and into the hallways when your medical team arrives so you can be
vulnerable and real without worrying about your child. You will have big, scary questions to ask your oncologist, and your child does not benefit from seeing your fear. It just freaks them out.
- Center your child
When the nurse or phlebotomist comes into your room, ask for details about what they need to do and insist they give you the time and space to center your child.
Then, ask your child if they want you to hold their hand or cuddle—whatever provides comfort and gives them some agency. Nobody wants to get randomly stuck with a needle without warning.
Toolbox Tip
- Check out American Childhood Cancer Organization’s medical play kit to practice treatment procedures, before they happen in real life.
- Speak up
You know your child better than the doctors and nurses, so if you feel like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t. Report any behavioral changes, look, or mood, as nine times out of ten, you will be right, and something will be wrong. Doctors and nurses rely on you to spot things because you know your kid best. I realize this is freaking terrifying right now, but you can do it. Trust your instincts, observe, and report. Never shy away from speaking up.
- Check everything (twice)
You’re the parent, which means you’re now part of the quality control team. Check the medication and blood type labels every single time, ensuring that the medicine and blood type are correct, and, most importantly, that your child’s name is on them. As surprising as it sounds, it is ultimately your responsibility to ensure the medicine is for your child, that it is the correct medication, and that it is administered at the right time. Nobody else will do this for you. If something seems off, simply ask the nurse to double-check.
- Get smart
Study your child’s treatment plan (often called the roadmap or care plan). Understand the treatment as best as you can. Your growing wisdom may shock the crap out of your doctors, but it will also help you know what’s coming up and what to expect. Right now, just study the treatment plan so you can ask initial questions. Later, you can dig deeper.
- Connect with your medical team
Strive to find a good connection with your medical team, but if it’s just not clicking, it’s okay to request a new oncologist. Your child will be with them for years to come, so that positive connection is important. But do give it time to evolve before deciding to switch.
- Meet your social worker
Introduce yourself to the hospital social worker. Next month, you can ask for help with both small and large financial issues.
Toolbox Tip
- Insist that your care team listens to you and treats the whole child, not just their cancer. All your questions and concerns are valid.
- You will have time later to figure out how you want to talk with your kid about treatment duration and what’s to come, so pace yourself. Later, especially if your child is older, they may want to be a part of these daily hospital chats from your oncologist, so they can also ask questions and feel that their voice is being heard.
- What You Need to Know Right Now – You & Your Child
There will be a strong urge to say yes to everything, spoil your child, and toss all your usual parenting practices out the window because you just want to make your child feel good. Don’t. In the middle of the medical whirlwind, your child still needs what they’ve always needed: your love, your presence, and boundaries (yes, even now). And you? You need moments to breathe, cry, rest, and regroup: one step, one healthy snack, one deep breath at a time.
Here’s how:
- Avoid overindulging
Do your best to limit the treats, junk food, excess gifts, or toys. It will be tempting to ply your kid with donuts and Legos because they have to get an IV, or if they won’t eat. But in the long run, this will be a difficult habit to unwind.
- Set boundaries
Continue expecting the manners and kindness your child has been taught. Unless they are a puddle of tears, let them know that please, thank you, and kindness are still part of your family drill.
- Avoid comparisons
Every child’s journey is different. What happens to someone else’s child doesn’t mean it will happen to yours.
- Focus on yourself
Your mental health is paramount. If you are not okay, nobody is. There will be hard days, but there will also be many silver lining days. Look for them and hold on to them tightly. Take this marathon day by day, moment by moment, and try not to worry about what might be, just about what is (surrender!).
- Nix perfectionism
You don’t owe anyone anything right now. Just focus on your child, your family, and genuinely helpful people.
- Remember your partner
If you are in a relationship, prioritize it because if you don’t, it could fall apart. And if you are handling this solo, prioritize yourself. Right now, keep it simple. Find times for rest, short walks, and some alone time to process what’s happening.
- One day at a time
Take things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Each day may look different, and inconsistency is part of this journey, especially right now. In a few weeks or months, a routine will be established. I devote a whole chapter, “The New Normal,” to this topic in my book, The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You.
Toolbox Tip
- Breathe.
- Someday, this will all be a memory.
For most families, that’s all you need to think about for now. The rest can wait. If you can only focus on one thing, focus on this:
-Stay close to your child and take care of yourself.
-Keep centered.
-Accept what is, not because it’s fair or okay, but because fighting the reality won’t help you right now
And remember, your presence is everything. Your child doesn’t need perfection; they need you, right here, right now, loving them through this moment.
~
I wrote The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You to be the guide I needed when my daughter was diagnosed. It’s full of real talk, practical tips, and honest support on everything from hospital life to advocacy, sibling dynamics to asking for help, and becoming your child’s best advocate. You’ll find much more on this topic in TCPH and on my website.
You’ve got this—and you’re not alone.
About the Author
Laura DeKraker Lang-Ree is a speaker, writer, and fierce advocate for parents navigating pediatric cancer. Her bestselling book, The Cancer Parent’s Handbook: What Your Oncologist Doesn’t Have Time to Tell You, is a no-nonsense survival guide for overwhelmed caregivers. Follow Laura on Instagram @cancerparentshandbook or connect on LinkedIn.
👉 Grab the book: Amazon or at books2read